My prison

My house, my relationship, my life, feels like a prison of loneliness and boredom.

I crave face to face conversation, and skin to skin connection.

Never had a problem with my own company, but it’s way past that now.

It creeps into the only haven I have, sleep.

I guess I just need to suck up the courage to put the key of change into the lock to be free of this.

Working in aged care…

It was my choice to take a pay cut and go back into aged care. Been out of it for a few years, and I missed it, and there has been a staffing crisis for years.. I’ve been back in the game for about 10 months now

I’ve always said residential aged care is both the most stressful and rewarding job I’ve done… But it’s different now.

Constantly working short staffed. Pushing to deliver a minimum standard of care. High turnover rates, with the best staff being pushed hard till they break.

I’ve worked too many shifts lately with colleagues in tears, has been me too… In my section, which is heavy, I work with some beautiful people, and we care so much for our residents. But so many carers are breaking, or broken, and I don’t know how long I can do it.

But who else will? Something has to change. Our oldies deserve the best care we can give them. I want to finish my shifts feeling like I’ve been able to deliver that.

Shout out to the aged care workers out there. Be proud , take care of you. You’re all part angel.

Think,type, read, backspace…

So I think about the thoughts that I might blurt out. Those first few, reactive thoughts that might reveal so much….

But reading my thoughts as I type them, I struggle.

Even though I feel so alone, am I ungrateful for the people I have in my life? And why do I find it so hard to contact the ones I miss the most?

Even though I’ve taken myself to the brink of financial ruin, given and borrowed to my limit, am I selfish to want an easier and more comfortable life? I know there are so many with less.

My own thoughts bounce back at me, on a slight angle, so they land at a place which is not where they came from.

Hmmm. Holds finger on backspace…..

I guess it all still serves a purpose. And as a newbie here, I’m amazed by and enjoy reading the words of others…

Baby put your phone down

Baby, put your phone down

And come back to me

I’ve waited for hours and hours

For years now….

Our rare days off together have become my most lonely

I’m tired, waiting into the early hours…I go to bed alone

And I’ve tried to talk to you about this so many times, you just shut down and go back to your phone.

I’ve really come to resent it….

More like housemates…..

The alarm wakes me at 5:20 , I let out a quiet “fuckit” and get out of bed. The dog barely stirs, snuggles into my pillow. Ciggie, coffee, shower, go. The sun is about to rise, over the ocean, which makes for a nice drive to work. My partner and I both work in residential aged care. I work mornings, she works afternoons into the evening.

I finish my shift and get home to see my girl for at the most an hour, usually much less, as she gets ready for work. I’m asleep when she gets home, on the couch or in bed, cuddled with my dog. She sits up till the early hours, and may or may not come to bed. Just before my alarm goes off at 5:20, and I let out a quiet curse….

I miss us so much. Even on our days off together, we just don’t connect any more, not as partners, or lovers…. It’s like we’re housemates, and I’m so lonely, and I miss us….

… where do I start…..

So I signed up here over a year ago, with so much I need to talk out, but I’m struggling… Life is grinding me down. I keep pushing on, but am running on empty…… Where do I start…. I guess by saying I’m just so lonely, I miss smiles and laughter, and so much more…. And I don’t know where I would be if not for my dog…